[7-29-2026]

I hate html and css I hate coding. I do not enjoy it much. (lying). I actually do enjoy it but it is very time consuming and a lot of work to figure everything out. thankfully I think the reward is worth it. yeaheah. I hope the end result of this is enjoyable. I have wanted to make a neocities site for a very long time and I have been wanting to learn html also. my english is embarrassing at times since my brain will often piece together sentences in a strange manner. it is not because of a disability. I do not have dyslexia but I feel bad for people that do. it is harder to spell correctly from what i've heard? if you have dyslexia and you are reading this I hope I do not offend with my lack of knowledge. I will do more research once I am finished writing this entry. I will not be reading or watching anything that was made with generative ai. I think it is extremely ignorant to rely on such a useless resource waster. those who struggle to come up with their own thoughts are not their own people. you are owned by the higher ups and you will be left behind like the rest of us. sucking up to shitty billionaire pedophiles is disgusting. don't waste your time with that shit. pick up a pencil. get a fucking drawing tablet or SOMETHING. it may not be perfect, but it will be way more meaningful than copy-pasted bullshit that some robot stole from a real artist. you're not better than everyone else. that's what they want you to think, since they can't admit this whole operation is entirely useless to the public. they spend millions to fund the destruction of our ecosystem and there are still thousands all around the globe that are struggling to keep a roof over their head. fuck youuuu.... anyways I plan on uploading to the art gallery for the next few days, and I will make an update log soon once all the pages of this site are created and I get the main html ready. I hope it is enjoyable to you and myself.

[7-31-2026]

tw: mentions of body dysphoria, suicide and transgenderism. the bfdi x ii tour is coming soon. I am very unprepared, mentally and.. physically too I suppose. I have always been a big fan of battle for dream island, so I am very grateful I am able to go. however, i'm not sure if I will be able to go every year. life will keep getting more expensive and they will not let you keep up. it is sad. I am excited for the new episode. I hope it's not more angsty stuff, but I already know it will be. it is hard to feel sad over these fictional characters lately. it feels a bit dragged on. I am scared of being around others when I go. I feel like some weird alien when i'm outside and I can hardly muster up a sentence. my thoat closes up. I wish I wasn't a girl, but I know everybody only calls me a boy out of pity. I am nothing like a man. physically, at least. I just want to curl up into a ball and die. people can say my name as much as they want when i'm dead, and I won't hear it. I don't enjoy this body at all and I would like to get rid of it. I will not kill myself though, I am too cowardly to attempt that. so I suppose none of these feelings really do need addresssing. I have had multiple friends attempt suicide. I am glad they lived, but it is a bit stressful to have a suicidal person in your life. I hate that I can't help as much as I want to. I think that is why I avoid asking for help directly. I am scared of creating that same stress for others.

[8-2-2026]

life is a fuck. please be gentle with me today. it is incredibly hard to exist in this body, but I really am trying. I have been making a lot of drawings of my characters from sandcats. I will refer to 14 as 404 in the future to properly distinguish her from xfohv. 99+ will get her own respective drawings in time. I am working on it as we speak. I need constant distraction to prevent myself from melting. I had to cancel on a friend today. we were meant to go to a concert on the 4th. I hope I didn't disrupt their plans too much. I have been buying a lot of physical media in order to console myself. I will list them now. I have purchased the rotting in fantasy lands cdr by nero's day at disneyland. I am very excited for that since lauren's work holds great importance to me. I also bought the cd of hawkeye & firebird by monotrona. I have wanted that album for a while, and I noticed that monotrona has gained slight popularity as of lately, so I decided to bite the bullet and buy it already. as for cassettes, I have bought 3 from bubblegum octopus. perfect life & other stuff, tough, and critters. I am happier since I purchased those. it is always nice to have something to look forward too. I know I shouldn't drown my sorrows in physical possessions, but I haven't found a coping mechanism as rewarding that I am allowed to use. I love music a lot. I hope to get a walkman soon, so I can play all my cassettes outside of my boombox. it is a qfx boombox that also has a radio and bluetooth. I often use it as a speaker. I would like a cassette of bleach by nirvana, my personal favorite ehehehh.. please forgive all the sad entries, I find it easier than talking to those close to me. I do not fear judgement from those I do not know, but the judgement of those close to me is quite scary. there is a new death envy album releasing soon, and I am very excited to hear it. I hope tv-ma shows up again. he has a very beautiful voice, and a wonderful flute to go along with it! I hope I am free eventually. I will go on for years of agony if it means eventually getting what I want. I am confusing at times, even to myself.